Metroid conFusion
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: Samus returns to Zebes to find that it wasn't destroyed. Ridley plots something evil involving broccoli, while on the other side of the planet the Geemers launch a revolt! No, I don’t understand either. That's probably why it's discontinued.
1. Prologue

**METROID: **con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**Prologue**

* * *

This prologue is very mysterious, and it is hard to guess who I am talking about.

* * *

_The Chozo Ruins  
Norfair  
Planet Zebes  
The Galaxy   
Kraid's skull_

Out of the darkness, a pair of eyes glowed, providing the only light in the chamber.

"Is it ready?" hissed a voice.

"Of – of course, our leader. We are confident that the final phases will be completed within the next three light-cycles."

"Good," said the leader of the… uh… group which may or may not be the space pirates, who we shall refer to as… uh… Ripley… for now. This wasn't the real name of the leader, though it _could_ – I stress _could_ – bear some connection to the real name. "But if this doesn't work, be warned that I may have to enlist you in you-know-where…"

"Not – not the _Zebesian gym club_!" stammered the creature which may or may not have been a space pirate. This is, after all, a prologue, so we don't need to know for sure, even if identities are glaringly obvious.

"Oh, and why not?" said Ripley.

"Because I am a loyal space pirate! I would never do anything to harm the cause! Please don't do this to me!"

"I tire of your begging," said Ripley. He swished his tail impatiently. "Come to think of it, you aren't even part of team Omega. There is no reason for me to spare you. Here…"

"No…" begged the space pirate – the _possible_ space pirate, again. "I don't want to join the fiery gyms of Norfair!"

"After you failed to carry out even the simplest of orders?" The _possible_ space pirate leader's voice was rising now, as was he, his wings expanding to create a frightening sight.

"I – I didn't realise you ordered _iced_ tea, o great leader!"

"FOOL!" roared Ripley, his flaming breath singing the space pirate. "You _know_ that I always have my tea iced! You are incompetent! You are a waste of resources! You are currently standing on my tail! Give me _one_ good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."

The space pirate – possibly – thought quickly. "Uh… because I make a really good vodka?"

"Give me another good reason."

"And I always perform my duties perfectly!"

Ripley sighed. "Fine. I'll just sentence you to eternal torture."

"Noooo!"

Ripley flicked a small laminated card at the space pirate. "Present it to the front desk at the gym. They'll take you to a private room."

"You can't do this to me…"

"_I_," said Ripley, "can do anything I want, and _you_ are going to stay in that gym for as long as I feel necessary." Noticing how glum the space pirate looked, if it was indeed a space pirate, he said, "Cheer up. It's not like it's swimming week or anything. _That's_ the week where we practice swimming in acid."

The space pirate bowed his head. "I understand, o our great leader."

"Good. Leave. I have no further use for you… unless… I think I'll go check with our medical division if space pirates are low-GI. Stupid eating disorders – it's NOT ALL IN MY HEAD, I TELL YOU!"

And with a flap of his wings, he was gone.

* * *

Can anyone guess the identity of Ripley and the creature which could be a space pirate? It's not as hard as you might think…

* * *


	2. The Assignment

**METROID: **con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**The Assignment**

* * *

Samus Aran, famous across the Galactic Federation for awesome displays of proficiency as a bounty hunter, and not quite so famous for being a killer badminton player, was lounging across a small couch in the corner of Samus' personal ship.

Suddenly, a small beep emitted from the console of the ship. Samus sat up immediately – this could only mean one of two things: either the built-in toaster had decided to melt again, or Samus had a new contract. Turning around and finding that there were no bits of burnt toast flying across the inside of the ship, Samus concluded that a new assignment was indeed waiting.

The AV-phone onboard automatically activated, and Samus turned to face it.

"Hello," said the Galactic Federation officer on the other side of the screen.

"I take it you want me to do something?" said Samus bluntly, cutting to the point.

"Yes, we do have an assignment for you, Samus Aran."

"Good. I've been exceedingly bored, here. Where are you sending me now?"

"Well, after the little incident with you blowing up an entire star system-"

"-I told you before, I had to do it to save civilisation from an evil horde of midget turtles!"

"-and the problem about you vaporising the Galactic Federation Central Command-"

"-I didn't do it; it was the space pirates!"

The GF officer rolled his eyes disbelievingly. "And I suppose BSL wasn't your fault either?"

"The operations room must have malfunctioned! Someone had spilt iced peanut butter all over the control panels before I got there!"

"Oh, okay, I believe you. Really I do. Completely sincere. Anyway, we've detected something mysterious around the area of Zebes, ma'am."

"Hey!" said Samus. "What makes you think I'm a woman!"

"You took off your helmet in the middle of a live interview, remember?"

Samus remembered all too well. Of course, she hadn't actually taken it off intentionally. A while back, when an interviewer had asked her how old she was, her helmet conveniently imploded, allowing everyone to see her true identity. This was slightly annoying, but at least none of them knew her true age.

"So anyway," she said, "what about Zebes?"

"Well, you know how we all thought it blew up?"

"_Yes_?"

"Well, yesterday a tour shuttle flew by and happened to notice that it was still there."

"Come again?" said Samus, banging her head on the ceiling. "I'm sorry, it sounded as if you said that Zebes is still intact."

"That's what I meant to say."

Samus was speechless. "How?"

"We're currently conducting an investigation into that. Reports suggest that-"

"-but the big BOOM! The explosion! White light! Chunks of rock flying everywhere!"

At this, the Galactic Federation officer paled. "Miss Aran, are you sure you didn't imagine that?"

"I HAVE FREAKIN' VIDEO FOOTAGE!" screamed Samus.

"Are you sure your ship's recorder didn't imagine it as well?"

Samus growled. "I'm torn. I guess this means that the home of the Chozo is still in fairly good condition, but it also means that the space pirates are still in action!"

"Indeed."

"I'm not sure whether I should throw a party to celebrate or if I should start ripping people's heads off for talking to me."

"Uh, I'd prefer the first one."

Samus took a deep breath. "So, I assume your lovely little Federation is hiring me to go back to Zebes and work out what the Norfair happened?"

"Norfair?" said the GF man.

"Forget it," sighed Samus. "But I expect lots and lots of money in payment for this mission so that I can support my minimalist, wandering lifestyle!"

"Consider it done."

* * *


	3. Back to Home

**METROID: **con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**Back to Home**

* * *

(By the way, thanks to everyone who reviewed. About the spacing thing, I'm more comfortable with close line breaks; a nasty habit formed from reading too much printed material. And, uh, read all my other stories because I look really cute and irresistible when I'm pleading!)

* * *

The viewing screen clicked off, and Samus stared at the blank image in silence for a moment, contemplating.

She had never expected this, not in her wildest dreams (generally involving violence) or in her worst nightmares (which generally involved paperwork).

Switching to the typical Metroid first-person narration:

* * *

_Planet Zebes. I once called this place my home. Then I blew a large chunk of it up and crashed a ship into it because some person I didn't know paid me to. Then I returned, once again, to completely destroy everything that was sacred to me. So why… why am I troubled by this? Shouldn't I be glad that I can return to Zebes and visit my childhood home once more? No… although anything beats cleaning the floor of this ship…_

_I will go back to Zebes and try to determine what the Space Pirates are up to, and answer the question that has been plaguing me forever, at least as of two minutes ago – how did the Space Pirates fake the destruction of Zebes? Is Mother Brain alive despite the whole crumbling into ashes thing? What about Ridley? Is he still there? I hope so… I so desperately need a decent fire-fight. Why, I haven't actually killed a living creature since – since last week? It was deserved, though, wasn't it? I should… I should probably stop sitting on this chair considering that electric sparks are flying from it…_

…_heck with it. I'm going now. Definitely. Now. Look! I'm going!_

_I am._

_Truly I am._

_I'm getting up…_

_Right…_

_Now…_

_Can't be stuffed…_

* * *

"So," said Ridley, "eating Space Pirates is fine for my health?"

"Uh…" said the Space Pirate medic, "all of them except me."

"Oh, good," said Ridley. "There's this really annoying one in Norfair who's been giving me a fair share of trouble. I'll show him…"

"Uh, okay," said the medic. "Just don't eat me."

"Oh, don't worry," said Ridley, "for being such a good medic I'll merely toast you alive instead. It will be painless, I assure you."

"Oh, thank goodness," said the medic, breathing a sigh of relief. "Wait – I don't want to die! Uh… why don't you check on the ops centre? I hear they have… uh… very urgent info for you."

"Oh," said Ridley, "okay. I guess fire-breathing will have to wait 'till later."

* * *

Samus set her trusty ship to fly on autopilot. She said back, and reflected on how hard it had been to obtain it.

A year ago or so, Samus had accidentally fallen asleep at the same time that her autopilot had, and had crashed into an asteroid. That same asteroid later crashed into a space station, so she considered that fairly even, but in the meantime, she had to borrow a Federation ship, meaning that she had to acquire a – gasp! – driving license.

Samus had later returned to GFHQ where, after consuming too much liquid graphite, had started randomly killing scientists. They suddenly decided to tell her that they had also recovered her ship from the collision, as well, pleading for mercy (but to no avail; she hacked their heads off with pencil sharpeners).

Her ship had escaped relatively intact, with the only trace of wear appearing on a rusty, ancient toaster, which Samus didn't recall as having been there before the crash...

* * *

"Everything is up to speed, and the master plan's final phases are ready for initiation," said the space pirate technician smugly. "I hope this is pleasing to you, Master Ridley?"

"Oh, definitely," said Ridley, curling his tail contentedly. "It's perfect… we will succeed this time around. What can stop us? What has _ever_ stopped us before now?"

"Uh… Samus?" said another space pirate, who was operating the controls of the industrial blender.

"Yeah, I suppose," said Ridley. "Still…"

The first pirate frowned. "So the only thing that can stop us-"

"-don't say it," warned Ridley.

"-is Samus Aran, the Chozo Warrior."

"You said it," said Ridley, cringing. "Idiot!"

"What? It's not like there's such thing as bad luck," said the pirate.

"Ever heard of comic coincidence?" growled Ridley.

The technician froze and glanced at the door, which burst open as another technician ran into the room. "Sir! We've detected a ship which looks like Samus' ship heading for Zebes!"

"Um," said the first technician, "maybe it's just a look-alike."

"Well, it does have a banner on the side saying 'I LIEK KILING SAPCE PYRATES COZ IM SAMUS'-"

"Ugh," said Ridley. "That's it! Gym cards on the house!"

"But – but what did I do?" they both said at once.

"You, little miss 'Oh, look at me, I'm so lucky', you jinxed me. And, uh, bearer of bad news dude, I don't like bearers of bad news. Report at the gym tomorrow morning sharp or suffer the consequences!"

And so Ridley was left alone in a small room in Tourain as Samus approached Zebes…

* * *


	4. First Encounter

**METROID: **con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**First Encounter**

* * *

(Yes, I am a bit stuck-up and illogical about the paragraph thing, but bad habits are hard to break. Consider the amount of one-line paragraphs a compromise.)

* * *

Samus' ship touched down on the surface of Zebes with more finesse than usual (ever wonder why Samus always lands in a crater? She doesn't!), and sighed contentedly. She was back. There was work to be done, and this was bound to be a tough ride, but at least she was working in familiar territory once again…

* * *

"Samus would be touching down right now," said Ridley, "and I'm just sitting here like a scared little rat. That's it! I'm going; I'm doing something!" He leapt out of his comfortable chair and headed for somewhere where he could appreciate the feeling of being on the hunt again.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Zebesian gym club, space pirates and local fauna groaned alike as they were subjected to inhuman chin-up exercises and lessons in self-inflicted torture.

* * *

"I wonder why it's so quiet here?" said Samus to herself as she stepped out of the ship. Usually the place was teeming with life… maybe the Space Pirates didn't realise that she was coming? What a pity…

* * *

"SAMUS ARAN IS COMING!" screamed the Space Pirates, fleeing as far away from Crateria as was humanly, uh, space-pirate-ly possible. All sorts of creatures followed them, scared for their life as the evil Woman of Uncontrolled Rage And Firepower With An Impressive Suit was after them!

* * *

"Ooh, an elevator," said Ridley. "I didn't know we had these." He paused. "I think I'll take it up to Crateria and see how our shock troops are doing." He hopped in.

* * *

"Ooh, an elevator," said Samus. She jabbed the call button. "Come on… I wanna go down and _kill stuff_!"

* * *

The elevator was a tight squeeze, but Ridley was now nearly at the top. "We really need to widen these things," he yawned.

* * *

The elevator reached the top.

Samus Aran and Ridley stared at each other for a brief moment.

"Oh, hi," said Ridley shyly.

"Hi," said Samus. "So…"

"So…"

"DIE DIE DIE!" screamed Samus, firing missile after missile.

"AUGH!" screamed Ridley, trying to get out into the open as he slashed the projectiles in midair with his tail (which was so tough that it could get hit by a runaway bit of burnt toast none the worse for wear).

* * *

"So," said Draygon, "anything interesting happen lately?"

"Well," said Kraid, "I got attacked by an army of midget fleas."

"Oh, my," said Draygon, shocked. "What did you do?"

"Uh, I stepped on them."

"Wow," whispered Draygon in awe of Kraid's bravery.

* * *

The Space Pirates who had been trying to flee Samus met a bewildering sight when they ran into the area where she had kept her ship.

"Come _out_!" yelled Samus into the air. "I _love_ you, Ridley! I won't **hurt** you!"

Ridley was crouched behind a rock, trying to formulate a clever counter-attack.

"Ridley! I want to have your babies – so that I can _eat_ them!" Samus giggled madly and collapsed to the ground, beating it hard to contain her hysteria.

"Uh, retreat," whispered Ridley, signalling the Space Pirates back.

Ridley flapped his wings and rose into the air above Samus, snarling. "Now, Samus, you're going to leave right now and not interfere with our operation!"

"Operation?" said Samus. "Like, when the guy's nose blows up?"

"_If_ we have an operation going on here. We don't. Forget I said anything. Now DIE DIE DIE!"

Ridley started breathing fire at Samus, who ducked for cover behind her ship.

"You can't hide there forever!" yelled Ridley.

* * *

"It's true," said a Geemer, "she can't hide there forever."

Such cute things, those Geemers.

* * *

"Come out, Samus? What's wrong," Ridley sneered – "scared?"

Samus threw her ship at Ridley, hitting him square in the eye.

"OW!" yelled Ridley in pain. "My eye! The same one you broke last time!"

"Serves you right," said Samus. She paused, confused. "Wait, you're still alive? But – but I thought that you were killed in cold blood on the other side of the star system!"

"Oh, _that_," chuckled Ridley. "I read about that on the news. My bet is that when your stupid little GF men went to find my body from the so-called wreckage of Zebes, they accidentally took my self-portrait ice sculpture instead."

"_You_ made that?" said Samus. "Wow… I never realised how multi-talented you are… wait, how do you get the news here?"

"Uh…" said Ridley.

"And why didn't Zebes blow up?"

"Um, I have evil stuff to do. Got to go." Ridley flew off, far, far away.

Samus went back into the caves of Crateria to see if she could get any home-made cookies, because she really liked those things.

* * *

"And then," said Draygon, "just as I thought I was about to drown, I remembered – I can breathe underwater!"

Kraid and Draygon laughed, both of them being rather drunk.

"Wait," said Kraid, "I thought that you had fallen into Mother Brain's spare vat of acid!"

"So did I," said Draygon, leaning on a wall, "but it turned out that it was just a tub of iced cola."

"Painful," commented Kraid. "You sure it wasn't alcohol?"

"No," lamented Draygon, "it was definitely cola."

"You have my sympathy, pal."

* * *

I think I'll make Draygon female… females are way too underrepresented in Metroid. Seriously! Name _one_ main character that is female!

* * *


	5. Slight Problem

**METROID: **con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**Slight Problem**

* * *

"You _fled_ from _Samus_?" spluttered the space pirate.

"Shut up and get us more of those fish-flavoured cocktails," said Ridley, hitting the space pirate so hard that he killed it. "Oops…"

"Don't worry about it," laughed Kraid, who by now was so drunk that he was defying gravity. "I step on people all the time!"

Ridley politely asked Kraid to get off his head, then, not being in mortal danger anymore, left the room politely.

* * *

Samus was becoming bored, fast. Granted, she hadn't actually been doing anything for the past three hours or so, but that couldn't have anything to do with it, could it?

"Maybe I should go back to my ship," she said, more to herself than anyone else, as, after all, there wasn't anyone else nearby, was there? No, there was not. That was a rhetorical question.

Just then, as she turned around to go back to her ship, she stepped on a crumbling block.

It cracked open and Samus went falling down into the caves of Zebes.

"Ship," she said, because she wanted to be in her ship.

"Hey," said a voice behind her, "I'd like to briefly point out that-"

"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?" screamed Samus, whirling around and firing madly at a rock.

She then noticed that the source of the noise was, of all things, a Geemer.

"What nerve you have, telling me what to do," said Samus angrily.

"Excuse me!" said the Geemer indignantly. "I would have you know that I am the leader of the Geemers!"

"Ooh," said Samus, "so if I step on you…?"

"No! It would be total anarchy! Millions of Geemers running around like headless space pirates! _Nobody_ wants that! And then, the Geemer elections! Do you have any idea what a dangerous process that is?"

"This is some half-baked excuse, isn't it?"

"Um, no. Of course not. Really."

"So what did you want to tell me, bug?"

"_Geemer_. I was just going to point out that the suit that you usually wear when you crush me and my friends is noticeably absent."

"Wha- my suit of destruction!" Samus was quite upset about this.

"You must have broken it when you fell a few hundred metres down from the surface to this tiny abandoned room in the middle of Brinstar."

"This," said Samus, clenching her fist so hard that the rock she was holding crumbled to dust, "could be a slight problem."

This was terrible! She had even lost her shoulder pads; her _trademark shoulder pads_! Samus was furious.

"Must… kill… every last Geemer…"

"No! No!" shouted the Geemer. "Uh… QUICK! Collect the pieces of your power suit!"

"Hey, that's a good idea," said Samus, her hand stopping about three centimetres away from the killing blow.

"Seeing as the morph ball is right next to you, getting that would be useful."

"Yes, it would…" Samus smiled wistfully.

* * *

"I'm not drunk!" said Kraid. "Draygon, tell him I'm not drunk!"

"Okay," laughed Draygon, "but who is he?"

"Kraid, silly!"

Kraid and Draygon laughed madly. Draygon laughed so hard that sticky paste went flying from her hands. "Oops… well, I guess I'm not drunk, either!"

"Drunk?" said Kraid. "No, I'm not!"

"**Attention,**" blared a voice from a loudspeaker positioned in the corner of the pool area. "**This is your pal and leader Ridley. Shut up. The walls are vibrating all the way down in Norfair.**"

"YOU'RE NOT RIDLEY!" screamed Draygon hysterically.

"Yeah!" said Kraid. "Ridley doesn't look like a metal loudspeaker!"

"**I wish you two hadn't quit in a drunken rage four minutes ago, because I badly want to fire you right now.**"

"KILL IT!" shouted Draygon.

Kraid, being the heroic guy he was, threw himself bodily at the speaker…

* * *

Samus had just absorbed the Morph Ball into her suit when suddenly all of the walls of the cavern began to vibrate ominously.

"What the heck is that?" she said. "And why does that power-up always reappear when I land on this planet?"

"The noise," said the Geemer, "is that of Zebes starting to explode with enough force to destroy the galaxy. That, or the ugly monsters downstairs are having one of their 'tea parties'."

"I hope it's the former," said Samus.

"So do I," said the Geemer, "so do I."

"Uh… the ceiling is dripping acid, there is no way I'm leaving the enclosure that way."

"There's this small tunnel here…"

Samus turned on it. "And how exactly do I squeeze myself through that?"

The Geemer coughed something which sounded strangely like "morph ball".

"Shut up," said Samus.

* * *

"Augh!" screamed Kraid. "I'm dying! I'm being crushed alive!"

"NOOO!" shouted Draygon.

Despite the gravity of the situation, they both started to spontaneously laugh yet again. Why exactly remains a mystery to this day.

* * *

"So," said the Geemer, "maybe we should take this door."

"No! Not doors!" screamed Samus hysterically.

"What kind of idiot did I get stuck with?" wondered the Geemer out loud.

"An idiot in a power suit," giggled Samus.

"Not… funny."

"Whee!"

* * *


	6. Administrative Issues

**METROID:** con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**Administrative Issues**

* * *

"Seriously," said the Geemer, "it's not funny."

"Everything is funny!" giggled Samus.

"Are you sure that staying in morph ball mode is healthy for you?"

"Why do you ask?" giggled Samus.

"Uh, because your head seems to be lodged firmly in-"

* * *

"-those two are such a pain in the… oh, for crying out loud," sighed Ridley. He turned back to the microphone. "Hey, you fat green idiots!"

"_We're not fat!_" came the reply from Kraid's chamber.

"I… I…" Ridley turned red like he did when he was angry (or when his health meter was low). "That's it! I'm coming down there."

* * *

"Don't worry," said Draygon, patting Kraid on the back. "It's only a metal speaker. We'll get through this together."

"But what if it has razor teeth?" said Kraid, who was thinking ahead.

Draygon considered. "Then we're royally-"

* * *

"-screw attack, and then we'll get you some more power bombs, okay?" said the Geemer.

"No!" said Samus. "You can't make me! I won't do it!"

"It's only a door," said the Geemer.

"The door wants me dead!" said Samus.

"Samus, get out of morph ball mode, or I'll… erm…" the Geemer tried to think of something painful it could do to Samus. "Erm… I'll crawl on you…"

"No!" said Samus. "I'm not leaving! This is…" she giggled inanely and muttered a word which was completely out of context and certainly not suitable for mature audiences.

"Uh… I'll tickle you!" said the Geemer.

"NOOO!" screamed Samus, exiting morph ball mode immediately.

"Are you better?" said the Geemer. "Because that was really, really-"

Samus hit the Geemer. "Wow… a talking Geemer… I thought that was just a dream. Ooh! I remember! I had the strangest dream! I was using the morph ball, and a Geemer tried to feed me to a door…" she glanced at the Geemer suddenly, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"What?"

"Was that _you_?" hissed Samus.

"Um… no?"

"Oh, okay," said Samus, putting down the rock she had been planning to crush the Geemer with.

"You went completely hysterical when you used the morph ball-" the Geemer paused. "Wait, how can you talk when-"

"I don't know," said Samus. "It's weird. All of the other Chozo-inhabited planets I've been to have had information explaining their history, yada yada, but I've never seen any here on Zebes!"

"Have you looked?"

"Hey…" said Samus, stroking her beard (just kidding, I swear), "that's an idea."

* * *

Ridley wrenched open the door to Kraid's chamber. "You two! What in Norfair's name are you doing?"

"Norfair?" said Draygon.

"Forget it," sighed Ridley. "Just… stop wrecking this place, and stop drinking!"

"We're not drinking!" said Kraid, attempting to hide a large barrel of fermented Spore Spawn behind his back. "It's a lie!"

"That does it!" shouted Ridley in rage. "You're all _fired_!"

"Ha!" said Kraid. "You can't do that – we quit five minutes ago!"

"Oh, okay," said Ridley in a strangely calm voice. "Kraid?"

"Yes?"

"You're hired again."

"Woo!" shouted Kraid, jumping up into the air and punching a large hole in the ceiling.

"Now you're fired," said Ridley.

"Aw, _man_," said Kraid.

"There, there," said Draygon. "It's okay, my lovey dubby."

"That is sick," said Ridley. "Seriously… please don't call him that."

"Why not, big boy?" said Draygon.

"Must… suppress… urge… to… kill…"

"**Excuse me, sir,**" said a tinny voice over the metal speakers, "**I have urgent information for you.**"

Ridley roared angrily. "Even more urgent than Kraid and Draygon trying to create an intermediary species?"

"**Uh… I don't know. Please don't kill me.**"

"What is it?" said Ridley.

"**Samus Aran has lost all her Power Suit upgrades-**"

"Great!" said Ridley. "Now-"

"**-but she's collecting them again.**"

"WHAT?" said Ridley. "But… we destroyed the spare artefacts that the Chozo had left behind… Kraid saw to that personally."

"Well, you see," said Kraid somewhat awkwardly.

"Kill…" hissed Ridley under his breath.

* * *


	7. Failed Escape

**METROID:** con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**Failed Escape**

* * *

"The lore of the Chozo," whispered Samus reverentially.

"Just read it out loud and be done with it," snapped the Geemer.

"Fine," sighed Samus. She read out loud:

* * *

"_Hi, this is the Chozo. Well, the Chozo race. I am a Chozo. So if you're reading this and thinking that the Chozo is an individual, you're wrong; we're a species._

"_So anyway, we've left this record because if the Chozo race ever goes extinct, we can't provide technical support to our, uh, client. You'll probably be wondering how you can see while you're using the Morph Ball. It's a long story._

_To begin with, we need to understand how the Morph Ball works. There is a very good rune somewhere which will help you do just that. Anyway, you can see while you're in the Morph Ball because it's magic – no, I'm sorry, because of our advanced, superior Chozo technology (cough magic cough)._

"_Yeah._

"_For no particular reason, this text ends here."_

* * *

"…" said Samus.

* * *

"Well, let's not jump to conclusions here," said Kraid.

"Okay," said Ridley, smiling weirdly, "let's not jump to conclusions. Let's look at the facts. First: you have just given Samus Aran, our _worst_ enemy, the means by which she can **destroy us all!**"

"True," said Kraid, "but-"

"Secondly, you have just completely ignored our chain of command! _I_ am the leader here; you should have informed me!"

"Out of context," protested Kraid.

"Thirdly, whenever I get you to stop Samus, you roar at her a bit and then jump into a hole in the ground!"

"Unfounded accusations," muttered Kraid.

"So, let's make some _intelligent_ conclusions," finished Ridley, snarling. "You are the most useless creature I have ever known, and I want you **dead**. Now."

Kraid's eyes widened. "Ha! You can't kill me! I have an escape plan!"

Kraid attempted to dive through the nearest door, but failed, possibly because it was smaller than either of his feet.

"Oh, this is just disgusting," spat Ridley. "Where are my anti-depressants, Kraid? I want to shove some up your backside."

"Oh, those," said Kraid, "um, I think I crammed them all into that spare Morph Ball."

Ridley's jaw dropped in awe. "Kraid… you're a genius!"

"Why, thank you," said Kraid modestly, "I knew that already."

"Relatively, of course," snapped Ridley, regaining his former mood. "Compared to what you did a moment ago, this is sheer brilliance! Do you know what this means?"

Kraid considered. "I'd like to ask the audience."

Nobody laughed.

"It's a joke, man!" cried Kraid. "You know? You know?"

No response.

* * *

"Well," said Samus, "that was the most useless text I've ever read."

"Yes," said the Geemer, "it doesn't even explain-"

"Shut _up_," said Samus, raising her arm cannon. "Stupid Chozo lore… it didn't even explain why this new Morph Ball upgrade is making me go all weird."

"I was going to ask that," said the Geemer.

"Good," said Samus, ignoring it, "you do that. I'm going to see if whoever replaced the Morph Ball has left the Morph Ball bombs in that room up in Crateria.

She stepped onto the main elevator in Brinstar Blue. "Come on! Are you coming or not?"

"Fine," said the Geemer, "but I'm only doing this because of the deal."

"What deal?" said Samus.

"The- not with you! It was a shady deal which will later cause you to- just forget I said anything about a deal, 'kay?"

"Fair enough," said Samus amiably.

The elevator went up.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Tourain, the door to a room opened for the first time in many a year…

* * *


	8. The Elevator Scene

**METROID:** con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**The Elevator Scene**

* * *

Samus and the Geemer stood in silence as the elevator moved out of Brinstar Blue and up into Crateria.

Samus made her plans clear. "When we get back up, not only are we going to check the Conspicuous Room for any Morph Ball Bombs, we are heading back to wherever I threw my ship."

"We?" said the Geemer.

"Let's put it this way: I have someone to talk to; you don't get fried to death!" said Samus. "It's a fair deal."

The elevator continued to move up.

"Funny," said Samus to nobody in particular. "This seems to be taking longer than it used to. Is the elevator slower or something?"

"No," said the Geemer. "But I believe Brinstar has sunk slightly after Mother Brain disappeared."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that," said Samus. "I saw the planet explode. Why didn't it?"

"No idea," said the Geemer.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"So…" said Samus.

"So…" said the Geemer.

"Some light music would be nice," said Samus.

"How long _has_ this elevator been moving?"

"Shut _up_, I was going to _say that_," said Samus angrily.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"So…" said Samus.

"So…" said the Geemer.

"Some light music would be nice," said Samus.

"How long _has_ this elevator been moving?"

"Shut _up_, I was going to _say that_," said Samus angrily.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"So…" said Samus.

"So…" said the Geemer.

"Some light music would be nice," said Samus.

"How long _has_ this elevator been moving?"

"Shut _up_, I was going to _say that_," said Samus angrily.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"**GAH!** That's it!" screamed Samus, banging her head against the wall. "I can't take this any more!"

The Geemer said, "Maybe you could do the morph ball thing again…?"

"Brilliant idea!" said Samus. She activated Morph Ball mode on her power suit, and the clumsily inserted anti-depressants began to cheer her up in no time.

* * *

"That was amazingly – fiendishly clever, Kraid!" congratulated Ridley. "I'm quite sure it was accidental, but nonetheless!"

"Woo! I did something useful!" yelled Kraid, punching the air above his head.

"Because of the ridiculous number of anti-depressants you crammed into Samus' morph ball," said Ridley, "it should leave her with reduced judgement and quite possibly with a degree of insanity. She'll be helpless!"

"So we just have to ask her to do her morph ball thing," said Kraid slowly.

"And she'll just agree?" said Ridley sarcastically.

"Yep," said Kraid naively.

"She _won't_, you dolt! No, we have to make her let her guard down, then _trick_ her into using her Morph Ball thing!"

"But how do we do that?"

"Beats me," said Ridley, "I was hoping you'd have another uncharacteristically good idea."

Kraid shrugged, and went back to drinking.

* * *

"So what _do_ we do with a drunken sailor; what do we-"

-note that Samus was currently extremely anti-depressed-

"-do with a drunken sailor; what do we do with a-"

"Suicide suddenly seems like an interesting option," said the Geemer.

"-drunken sailor; _early in the-_"

* * *

Draygon, who had spontaneously fainted a few minutes ago, recovered consciousness.

"Hey, pretty," she said alluringly, "what're you doing all alone?"

"Don't call me 'pretty'," snarled Ridley.

"Oh, sorry, sweetie-pie-"

"Don't call me that either," snarled Ridley.

"But I think it suits you," said Kraid.

"Shut _up_," said Ridley.

"Okay," said Draygon, "I'll just call you something more to your taste, okay, love?"

Ridley completely snapped and then went berserk. "STOP IT! STOP IT!" he yelled, panicked. "I can't take this any more; I want out! I want out!"

Crying pitifully, Ridley left the room anticlimactically.

* * *

"Okay, I've had enough," said the Geemer. "Samus, get out of the morph ball or I'll have to poke you with a stick." It didn't mention that there weren't any sticks in sight.

"Eek! Sticks!" said Samus, who left morph ball mode and instantly felt better again. "Well, that was a rush… wait, you don't think…"

"True…" said the Geemer.

"Anti-depressants!" they both shouted at the same time.

"It explains a lot… but who in their right mind would put anti-depressants into a morph ball that they couldn't use?" wondered Samus.

* * *

"Ridley is gone," said Kraid solemnly.

"Long live Ridley," said Draygon equally solemnly.

"Enough with that," proclaimed Kraid, "let's get stoned!"

* * *

Ridley sat in his private office, brooding quietly.

"How could I possibly have let idiots like that anywhere near me?"

He yawned, stretched his wings, and ate a Space Pirate who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I have half a mind to kill them, but they're nearly impervious to fire, shrapnel, lasers, electricity, logic, common sense, and anything else I could throw at them."

Ridley further considered.

"Wait… there is an option…" he said, beginning to smile.

* * *

"So how long was I out?" said Samus, shakily standing up.

"About half an hour," said the Geemer.

"And we're still in the elevator because…"

They both stood in silence.

"So…" said the Geemer.

Silence.

"STUPID FREAKIN' ELEVATOR!" yelled Samus.

* * *


	9. The Torizo's Trilogue

**METROID:** con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**The Torizo's Trilogue**

* * *

When the elevator (finally) reached Crateria, Samus and the Geemer stepped away from it somewhat shakily.

"Wow," said Samus. "I was starting to wonder if I had gone into limbo or something."

"What about me?" cried the Geemer. "I exist too!"

"Listen to me, you little bit of vermin," snarled Samus, swivelling round to stare directly at the Geemer, "the only reason I'm putting up with you is because if I didn't have anybody to talk to, I'd end up going mad."

"Oh," said the Geemer, which then paused. "Hey, haven't you worked alone about a billion times before?"

"Yes," said Samus. "But that doesn't make me a lunatic because there _is no moon_! Ha ha ha ha ha… hyuk. **MOON DANCE! MOON DANCE!**"

* * *

"**SUN DANCE! SUN DANCE!**" shouted Draygon and Kraid together, as they waved their hands, formed a conga line and dance around Kraid's chamber in circles.

"Whee!" exclaimed Draygon giddily.

"I'm having the time of my life here!" said Kraid equally happily.

"**That's not a long time,**" blared Ridley's voice through the speaker in the walls.

"Spoilsport," snorted Draygon, grabbing a bucket of milk and pouring it over her head because, well, she could.

"Cold showers," said Kraid.

They both started laughing because they found the entire scenario most amusing.

* * *

In Ridley's office, it was boiling. This was fine with Ridley, though, who had spent most of his life in places that were too hot, too cold, or inhabited by green reptilian morons.

Ridley was currently much more interested in the thought that had occurred to him. He needed a way to dispose of his current thick-skinned tormentors, and the perfect means to do so had just occurred to him.

Kraid was the one who had just reignited the greatest threat to the Space Pirates (even greater than self-cleaning windows)…

In a way, it would be Kraid who brought about his own undoing…

* * *

Samus and the Geemer entered the chamber where she had once encountered an animate but hostile Chozo statue.

"Well, here we are," said Samus.

The door locked behind them.

"That can't be good," said the Geemer.

"Ah, come off it," said Samus. "Locked doors always mean big things to blow up!"

"Shouldn't something suddenly happen without warning about now?" said the Geemer.

"I don't think so," said Samus. "I can usually tell that something bad is about to happen via astrology!"

"What?"

"Shuddup," said Samus. "Besides, if something suddenly happened without warning, we'd already know, so it wouldn' really be… you know?"

Something predictably happened… as expected:

…

A giant Torizo dropped from a non-existent hole in the ceiling!

…

Samus squealed in delight. "Ooh! Do I get to blow you up?"

"Not just yet," said the Torizo.

"Aw, no fair," lamented Samus.

"I need to explain what's going on, first," said the Torizo.

Samus gasped, delighted. "Like… like why Geemers can talk? Why a giant fall managed to destroy all the equipment in my suit but not touch the energy reserves? Why I managed to throw my ship at Ridley, but couldn't do the same with a Dachoras?"

"No," said the Torizo. "_Nobody_ knows that."

"Oh," said Samus. "Can you at least explain how the **entire freaking planet didn't vaporise** after my last visit?"

"No," said the Torizo.

The Geemer edged away. "Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to walk along ceilings purposelessly-"

"Oh NO YOU DON'T!" cried Samus, diving upon the Geemer and pinning it down with her weight. "Nobody, nobody; _nobody_ walks around aimlessly here except for _me_!"

The Torizo raised a hand. "I'm afraid that as a peaceful creature, I can't allow violence-"

Samus started blasting the Torizo in the head with her power beam.

"You really shouldn't," sighed the Torizo, sitting down. "It hurts."

"Hurt _this_!" cried Samus, continuing to blast him.

"I'm serious," added the Torizo. "It's not nice at all."

"He's right-" began the Geemer.

Samus fired even more rapidly. "Shut up! I don't care! I just want violence! Sweet, sweet _violence_!"

"I hate you," said the Torizo, before it exploded into an array of tiny pieces.

Beneath her helmet, Samus smiled.

"You… you just killed a Chozo statue!" said the Geemer.

"Meh," said Samus, "if this turns out how I think it will, we're going to run into at least one more."

"You're pathetic, you know that?"

"Ooh, the Morph Ball Bomb!" exclaimed Samus happily. "See? I got this by killing the Torizo; I did the right thing!"

"It was lodged in the ceiling; you didn't need to-"

Samus stepped on the Geemer, tripped and landed face-first on the ground.

The Morph Ball bomb power-up landed on top of her helmet.

* * *

"You know, this is getting a tad boring," said Draygon, as Kraid wiped the mould off her face. "We should get out of here, you know?"

"Like… like exploring?" said Kraid.

"Exactly," smiled Draygon.

"But how do we open this door?" said Kraid. "We can't get out."

Draygon examined the door for half a second, and then sighed. "We don't need fancy door tricks – watch this!"

She walked through a wall.

"That was… easy…" said Kraid. He walked through another wall. "Hey! This is fun!"

Little did they suspect that far above them, Ridley was mercilessly plotting their demise…

* * *


	10. Pointless Interlude

**METROID:** con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…

* * *

**Pointless Interlude**

* * *

"So there's this chicken," said Draygon as they walked.

"Chicken?" said Kraid.

"You know, a bird? Poultry?"

"Oh, _chicken_," said Kraid.

"So there's this chicken," said Draygon, "and it-"

"It's a normal chicken?" interrupted Kraid.

"Well, I guess," shrugged Draygon, "but anyway, the chicken is in the city and he…"

"He?"

"I don't know. Can't a chicken be a he? Okay, it's a she," said Draygon. "So anyway, he-"

"-she."

"_She_ is in the city and she starts to cross the road."

"Wait," said Kraid, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I don't know," said Draygon raising her arms in surrender. "To get to the other side?"

"Sounds right," said Kraid.

"So there's this chicken, and she crosses the road," said Draygon, "but then she nearly gets hit by a car."

"What kind of car?"

"Oh, a big, ugly one. So the driver gets out…"

"Why would the driver get out?"

"I'm getting to that. The driver gets out, and then he turns out to be Adam Malkovitch."

"Who's that?" said Kraid.

"I don't know," said Draygon, "but apparently it's a joke."

"Oh, a joke," said Kraid.

He paused in thought.

"I don't get it."

"Well, let's try that again, then," said Draygon. "These things are funnier the second time round."

"Right," said Kraid. "Chicken, female, in city. Road, crossed. Car appears, driver gets out. Driver is Adam Slavich or whatever. What's so funny?"

"I'm not sure," said Draygon. "It was really funny when I first heard it."

"Maybe it was contextual," said Kraid.

"Maybe I wasn't drunk," said Draygon. "Things are always so strange when you're sober."

As Kraid and Draygon walked, Samus Aran suddenly appeared in front of them from a hole in the ground.

"Hey, look, it's Samus," said Draygon.

"Samus! High five!" said Kraid.

Far below, Samus looked at the Geemer.

"I feel a sudden urge to kill," Samus noted.

"Well, now that you have Morph Ball Bombs," said the Geemer, "you should be able to have fun."

Samus rolled into the Morph Ball and started dropping bombs at Kraid's feet.

The explosions were tiny considering Kraid's size. "Ha! Nice try!" he exclaimed.

Kraid caught on fire.

"Ow," he said.

"That must hurt," said Draygon.

"Well, I'll be off then," said Samus. She left.

"I daresay that this was completely irrelevant," said Kraid.

Life went on.

Insert cliff-hanger here.

* * *


	11. Ditched

**METROID:** con-**FUSION**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Author's note: Yes, it's been about five months since I last updated. This is mainly because I decided to reformat all of the chapters like everyone suggested before. It's not really a swallowing-my-pride thing; I've been working with that size of spacing since the beginning of the year. But you wouldn't believe how long it takes to go through ten chapters of junk and redo it. (Half an hour, the other five months were spent procrastinating.)

Anyway, new chapter. Hopefully you like… it.

* * *

**Ditched**

* * *

They reached the elevator leading down to the jungle-y area of Brinstar.

"So, what's the plan?" said the Geemer.

"I figure that this is going to work exactly like it did last time," said Samus.

"What exactly do you mean by that?" said the Geemer.

"Well, we've just been down to the old Brinstar area and picked up a Morph Ball," said Samus, "and now we've just gotten the bomb after defeating the Torizo."

"Defeating?"

"That's 'defeating' with inverted commas," said Samus. "Anyway, I figure that my next stop is Spore Spawn's place, to find myself some super missiles."

"Why don't you have any normal missiles, yet?" said the Geemer.

"I… just go away," said Samus.

"No!" said the Geemer. "Without me, you'd have been dead long ago!"

"How…?" said Samus, discreetly raising her arm cannon.

"Er… maybe… Kraid would have just stepped on you?" suggested the Geemer. "Anyway, you _need_ my help."

"You haven't given me any help," said Samus, pointing her arm cannon at the Geemer. "Isn't that right?"

"If you walk around the exact same way you did last time, the Space Pirates will know exactly where you are," said the Geemer.

"Yeah, well… what are you suggesting?" said Samus indignantly.

"Sequence breaking," said the Geemer.

"YOU BLASPHEME!" cried Samus, shooting the Geemer.

The recoil sent it flying away for a few hundred metres then suddenly stopping in midair.

"What just happened?" said Samus.

"Bad physics engine," said the Geemer. "Now help me down!"

"No," said Samus. "You… you suck!"

And with that witty repartee, she activated the elevator and waited as it took her down to Brinstar Green, leaving the Geemer behind.

* * *

"I can't take this stress any more," said Ridley. "Maybe a visit to the torture chambers will make me feel better."

And with that, he headed down… to the Zebesian Gym Club.

The Zebesian Gym Club was a hellish place to put it mildly. Indeed, a full description of the scene that lay before Ridley is one far too torturous for a human mind to fully comprehend without falling into madness and despair.

"Please… help me…" groaned a Space Pirate who was hanging from a stalactite by his leg.

"Ha!" said Ridley. "Suffer! Suffer for me, your great leader!"

"I'm suffering… for you?" managed the pirate weakly.

"Well, for my viewing pleasure, yes," said Ridley.

"But… I don't want to…" said the pirate.

"What?" said Ridley, concerned. "You don't like the pain of being set on fire and forced to…"

"Yes, yes!" cried the pirate.

"What kind of strong soldier are you, then?" said Ridley.

"A… bad one?" said the pirate.

"Yes," said Ridley. "Do you know what happens to bad Space Pirates?"

"They… don't die?" guessed the pirate.

"No," said Ridley.

"So… they die?" said the pirate.

"Yes," said Ridley. "Very astute. I'm glad that the hundreds of thousands of Space Pirates in the galaxy are capable of applying deductive logic to yes-no questions."

"Heh… I'm smart," said the pirate.

"In comparison to Kraid and Draygon, definitely," said Ridley. "By the way, I'm planning on getting The Hunter to kill them, preferably in such a way that they kill her in the process."

"And you're telling me your evil plans… why?" said the pirate.

Ridley grabbed the pirate and tossed him into a pit of lava.

The hundred-odd pirates who were also being tortured (and getting fit too, mustn't forget that) screamed, mainly because they would have liked death at that point.

"Hmm," said Ridley.

And the chapter ended at that point, despite the fact that it wasn't much of a spot to stop at.

* * *


End file.
